I woke up yesterday in a funk, exhausted even though I slept solidly, and couldn't get out of my own way (or bad mood) for the whole day. I started to have doubts about the adoption. Anger, depression, frustration roiled. I accomplished virtually nothing. The bed went unmade, dirty laundry stayed on the floor, bills and paperwork were unattended to, errands not run.
I ran into a co-worker at the supermarket who I'd seen on my high the day before and she asked how I was. After explaining my spiral, she said, "Of course that's how you feel - that's perfectly normal." (She and her husband have been working on an adoption from China for years now, so she has had some similar feelings/experiences.) But I don't feel perfectly normal. I am a wreck. And I hate it. Because even though this adoption is 99 percent sure, there is still that 1 percent of niggling uncertainty. And as small as it is, it is making a BIG dark blot on my psyche.
Today I am trying to cope in a more positive way, by writing this and getting it OUT. Check back later to see if it works.
Oh, and did I mention it's a full moon?
1 comment:
I think it's called "life"...not to invalidate or minimize at all...but I mean, nothing will matter when you're holding that baby..but then you'll hit your first day when you feel like a horrible mom, then more joy, then sadness, it all goes up and down...you're already a parent inside.
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